30 Jan 2014

A lot of cock is talked about rhino horn

It’s odd that news stories about the threatened extinction of the rhino focus on the poaching of rhinos and smuggling of rhino horn, with pictures of dead rhinos and pieces of horn captured while being smuggled through airport customs.  It’s all about supply.

Meanwhile there is a strange silence in the media about the consumers of rhino horn – men living in China, Indonesia, and elsewhere in the Far East. Presumably the silence is because these countries have strong and growing economies, so we’re not allowed to laugh at their medieval delusions.

And now, we hear, criminal gangs are involved in poaching and smuggling.  There’s a surprise.  Any day now there will be complaints from end-users that the powdered horn is being ‘cut’ with aspirin or chalk;  and a dawn swoop on a rhino ‘farm’ in the suburbs of Beijing.

Meanwhile the answer to saving the rhino is staring us in the face.  Powdered Viagra tablets, dyed the same colour as rhino horn, would make a perfect substitute.  And better yet, they would actually do the trick.  The World Wildlife Fund could set up a factory, label the packets ‘genuine rhino horn (substitute), guaranteed to work’ and flood the Far East market with the stuff.  Rhiagra, anyone?

25 Nov 2013

23 Oct 2013

I 'arse' Tesco apples

Tesco rejects 'imperfect' apples, then blames customers for
wasting food. Let's start a farmer's market next to each big branch!

8 Oct 2013

5 reasons to dislike Linked In

1.  It's desperate.
"Do you know Fred?"  "Why not connect with Jim?"  "You may know Bill..."  These are just a few of the frequent, matchmaking-type pleas I get from Linked In.  Stop trying to set me up with everyone, for Pete's sake!

2.  It's creepy.
"Do you know who viewed your profile?"  Well, that's sort of interesting - but hang on, it means that anyone I visit knows I've been taking a look at their page.  Which means, dear Linked In, that I now actively avoid visiting other people's profiles.

3.  It's clingy.  
Like a movie psychopath, Linked In doesn't want you to leave.  Try using the Back button to go back to the website you were on before you came there, and you'll see what I mean.  Let go, Linked In!

4.  It's trashy.
Every time I visit Linked In, it's promoting some piece of tabloid fluff - 10 ways to tell if your boss is an idiot, 6 things you should never throw at work, what 90% of people don't know about wombats - which I am idiotically drawn to, but wish I hadn't botherered.

5.  It's pesky.
Linked In likes nothing better than finding new reasons to email me.  First it was updates ('Jim's got a new job!'), then it was emails suggesting that some improbable company, most likely in Ratville, Ohio was looking for someone like me.  Leave off already!

29 Jul 2013

5 Jul 2013

My vision of Web 3.0 - Anti-social media

We're all getting fed up with social media.  It's tired, it's lame, it's like a bloody kindergarten - will you be my Friend? Do you Like me?  Can we Connect?  If I Endorse you will you Endorse me back?  BAH!

Time for anti-social media.

I see Twatter, where we upload our least-favourite celebrities and give them a Twatting.  And there's a Hate All button to save time.

I want to get an email at 11.30pm from Drinked-In saying "Fred Smith hates you. Why not hate him back?"  With some new suggestions:  People who hate Fred Smith also hate...

Meanwhile on ArseBook we'll be telling each other where to shove it. And on Hate-mail too.

And everywhere, next to the Like button will be an Arse button to show our displeasure:

And t-shirts in the same vein:

Join me in the new world of Web 3.0 - where we tell it like it is!

9 May 2013

Dear Philips, now's the time to cash in on Fergie

Dear Sir,
I am writing to propose a new hair-care concept that could be very profitable for you...
Letter to Philips Electronics, 2006.  See The Pub Letters 
REPLY FROM:  Philips Intellectual Property & Standards
Dear Mr Munroe,
Thank you for your letter regarding your idea for a hairdryer styled in the image of Alex Ferguson. We regret..