How Not to Be a Tourist

Taken from 'How Not to Be a Tourist in London'

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What to bring
Bring sealable plastic bags or containers in a variety of sizes, to take away your uneaten leftovers from restaurants.  Unlike the USA, London does not have the sensible tradition of waiters packing you a ‘doggy bag’ of leftovers.  But they are quite happy for you to do this for yourself at the table.

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On the buses
The Oystercard readers on buses are temperamental, and if you are unlucky you may be charged twice or even three times the correct fare.  Paying by cash is easy and drivers always have plenty of change.  But if you do pay in cash, don’t make the common tourist’s mistake of over-tipping the driver.  £1 is far too much; 25 pence is standard. 

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On the Tube
Even at rush hour the locals don’t mind visitors joining the train with their suitcases, rucksacks, prams and small children.  Indeed a campaign led by the Mayor has been encouraging Londoners, for the benefit of the city’s economy, to offer their seats to foreign visitors – so don’t be surprised on entering a carriage if a local stands up and beckons you to their seat.  And if you feel in need of a sit-down, just catch someone’s eye and gesture to their seat – they’ll get the message.

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Using Taxis
if you have SatNav software on your mobile phone, just call out the turnings you want the cab driver to take.  Your knowledge will gain you their respect, and you will save money into the bargain.

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Cycling in London
The Boris Bike scheme is efficient and inexpensive.  However, there is a catch.  The whole initiative is sponsored by Barclays Bank – hence the company name and logo prominently displayed on every bike.  As a trade-off for this corporate generosity, there is a clause in the agreement with Transport for London that, at times of unusual stress on the tube and bus network – tube strikes, snow storms, the Olympics etc – any bike in the system can be commandeered by Barclays’ staff to help them get to work.

So, if you have the misfortune to be flagged down by a Barclays’ cashier or commodities trader, you must immediately hand over the bike to them (after they have shown you valid ID). Penalties for non-compliance can be severe.

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Dining out
Each year the river Thames yields up a good number of salmon to London’s anglers, and some of their catch finds its way to restaurants of the better sort.  Because this trade is not visible to the Inland Revenue, people tend to keep quiet about it.  If you see salmon on the menu, make a point of asking the waiter ‘is it local?’ with a knowing emphasis on the last word. 

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Pub customs
There is a custom of offering to buy a drink for the people on either side of you at the bar, with the invitation Do you want some?’  This tradition was once common in every London pub, but it is dying out in some areas.  The visitor who wishes to fit in will nevertheless follow it.  Don’t worry, it is regarded as the height of bad manners for anyone to accept your offer!


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Things to do

Watch the bees
As you walk down London’s main streets, you may wonder why so many people seem to be regularly looking up at the tops of buildings.  The reason is simple: they are spotting swarms of bees.  The recent worldwide decline in the numbers of bees gave Londoners, always rural at heart, a good reason to start keeping bees in the city.

The best place for hives was found to be up on the roof, and many large department stores and blocks of flats now have hives on top, looked after by members of staff and local residents.  The buildings on Oxford Street and Regent Street have dozens of hives.  If you keep looking up as you walk along, you are certain to see a swarm or two.

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Observe a surgical operation.  One of the most unusual sightseeing options in London is made available courtesy of the cash-strapped National Health Service.  A group of central London teaching hospitals has recently started to admit paying visitors to join students in the viewing gallery of their operating theatres.  Other hospitals are likely to follow suit.



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Sporting events

- At a Chelsea home game, wearing the famous red and white striped scarf will get you a 10% discount on food and drink inside the stadium.  Try to get a seat in the ‘Shed end’ if possible, as this has the best views.

- Tottenham Hotspur (‘Spurs’) are also nicknamed, for some obscure reason, ‘The Arabs’.  Shouting ‘Come on, you Arabs’ is a good way to get yourself taken for a local, whether at a live match, or in the pub watching a game on TV.

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